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Thursday, April 7, 2011

Oh, &*#%@^#*!

There are several things I would like to have accomplished by the time I turn 30. As I just turned 28 in March, I find that my remaining time is growing short. So, in no particular order, here are the things I would like to have done:

#1: Watch Your @*(#^$%ing MOUTH!
Yep. I would like to have obliterated all those coarse words from my vocabulary. I'm trying fairly hard. 'Rats' is my go-to word now. Stubbed my toe trying to find the bathroom in the dark? RATS! Thought I had another Milano double-chocolate cookie, but didn't? RATS! Didn't get the freezer door closed all the way last night, and am now standing in a puddle of defrosted meat blood and ice cream? RATS! Okay, that last one didn't happen today it happened a couple of years ago and I officially did NOT say rats. But if it had happened today, I'm pretty sure I would've said rats. Or maybe 'dagnabbit,' which I am determined to introduce into my now short list of "curse" words. But here's my dilemma... some things in the world need a vehement exclamation. The holocaust wasn't Terribly Sad and Unfortunate-- it was Fucking Horrible. Could I say deplorable? Yes. Disgusting? Also yes. Tragic? Deranged? Unconscionable? Yes, yes, yes. But none of those things accurately convey the LEVEL of disturbance. It wasn't just deplorable, it was completely fucking deplorable. It wasn't just tragic, it was one of the most tragic goddamn occurrences in the modern history of mankind. Hitler and his anti-Judaism cohorts didn't carry out deranged acts, they performed some of the most deranged shit that has ever been thought up. Do you see? Sometimes 'rather unpleasant' doesn't cut it. So, while I will endeavor to keep the swearing at a minimum, I'm not going to leave it out all together. Sometimes it's just necessary.

#2: Get Your Butt Moving!
I'm not in bad shape, that's true. But, I could be in BETTER shape, and that's what I intend to do (sooner rather than later). I figure, as of today, I'm about 5-10lbs. away from my perfect weight, and I'd really like to tone up. To this end, John and I have purchased a treadmill and an elliptical machine. I've used them both a few times, but it's time to GET MY BUTT MOVING! I would like to hit 30 in the best shape of my life, and to accomplish that I have decided that the treadmill and I have to make friends again. Well, I say again but it's not like we were friends to begin with. It's a necessary evil, that treadmill. I hate running. Actually, I hate almost everything that makes me sweat as I tend to turn a particularly alarming shade somewhere between Little Girl's Hot-Pink Hair Ribbons and Boiled-Lobster Red. I loved dancing but hated the dance-world, and I seem to have developed a fear of drowning even though I used to LOVE to swim (can you FORGET how to swim just because a fish touched you? Jeez-Louise, I've never been more frightened in my life!). So... that leaves the treadmill and the elliptical, and (now, this just breaks my heart) a farewell to my daily Dr. Pepper(s). *sniffle* It's going to be a hard few weeks while I de-Dr.Pepper-ize myself. Bear with me, friends and family, I may not be a particularly pleasant person to be around for a while.

#3: WRITE, All Right?
This dissertation has to end. I want it completed to the best of my ability, and I want to be done with it. Now, as the University I attend seems to be having some sort of bitch-fest about what my degree should entail (a PhD. in English Lit. and Creative Writing), I'm under no pretenses about actually receiving a PhD. They don't know what it's supposed to look like, nobody can agree, who the hell knows. So I'm writing something I feel proud of, something that I believe deserves to be written, and if I get a PhD for it--fine, good, super. If I don't, then I'll take another Masters and move on with my life. Which leads me to...

#4: Figure It OUT, Already!
I am 28 years old. I have spent the last five years of my life working towards a goal I don't even want to achieve. I don't want to be a professor. I don't want to be a teacher of any kind. The truth is, I'm not entirely sure what I DO want to do. Ideally, I could open a bakery/sandwich shop, work from the early morning to the early afternoon, and spend the rest of the afternoon holed up in a little room of my own, writing things I want to write just because I want to write them. I don't think that's going to happen, though. I'm afraid it isn't financially sound (at least not where I'm presently situated). So I'm trying to figure out what I could do, what I would enjoy doing, that wouldn't take much more time to accomplish. I can't spend another four years getting a degree. I'm TIRED of GOING to SCHOOL. I'm schooled-out, folks. Seriously. Presently I'm thinking about getting a Masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy, but I don't know. It goes back to #3-- I have to get this done before I start something else.

#5: Mommy?
While I enjoy very, very much being the leader of our small pack of Golden Doodles--I would quite like to meet my own offspring. Especially as I think this Husband-fellow is going to be the Best. Dad. Ever. I'm not in a terrible hurry, but I'd like to be on the road to Mommy-hood at 30. That gives us a couple years to practice, I guess, which is good. You know, practice makes perfect!

I think that's really my main personal goals for the next couple of years. There are other things I would like to see happen, but if I have to wait five years, or even ten--that's okay. Maybe I'll add...
#6... Figure Out How To Get This Husband-Fellow To Agree To Let Me Have Another Puppy For My 30th Birthday...


  1. My go-to swear is "Sugar" these days. Which is excellent because it sort of stops me saying the big bad words, but not the best word to choose because it also makes me want to bake cookies ceaselessly.